Stop thinking

The voice inside of my head is whispering weird things in my head and I have become strangely paranoid. It has made me realize one thing; I am a retard most likely. Will probably end up in an asylum in 30 years or so.

Which is a very scary thing to even... think. I made a new blog on wordpress.com. In the past three days of its launch, I have opened it and stared emptily at the text box for the new entry. And I find myself blank. What to write there? I want to have something intellectual and ... happy there. As this blog is more likely my online diary for everyone to read... that blog SHOULD be something happy.

I think I can write something happy from time to time. I am a happy bubbly person. I make people laugh too! I mean... GOD. ALL GLORY TO ME!

This post, I swear, is going to be much shorter compared to the others. It's 2.40 am. And I have school tomorrow. Though why do i have a bad feeling that I might be too sick to go tomorrow? I have been getting pretty sick lately. Asthma attacks and very low stamina. More problems. More defaults in me. But STILL ... ALL GLORY TO ME!

The end. Because I said so.

My head has been very noisy lately. Actually it has been very noisy ever since Paragon has happened to me. I don't know if I should regard it as a good thing or a bad thing because back in school and o'levels, I had practically became an apathetic robot, not caring and flinching or anything. Just a wandering soul in the corridors... not a care to socialize. Always the sullen sad depressed type. I think in the second year of A-level, I am going to be that again. But now I am just hurt and have fresh wounds. People are absolute horrid. And I am just scared how I am going to survive in this world. I look at my mom. I look at my dad. And I know... in a few years time... they won't be there. And I will really be alone. How will I survive than?

At 2.40 am I wake up with this daunting thought. And I tell myself; Stop thinking. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. I just panic instead because I keep on thinking even when I tell myself not to.

2.44 am

I should sleep. I am sick. My hair are wet. I need to go to school tomorrow. School where everyone is fake. Where there is a guy-I-like. Where there is the fat-cow-of-a-teacher. and worst... where there are ... just people. People called friends. Wearing masks and ready to kill. Fight on Ayesha. Fight on. It will be over soon enough. Just work hard for now.

...

Searching for new beginnings, am I wasting too much time?

Nii-san

On this day, I miss you extremely. Who said to go away and succeed? Who said to leave me behind, fighting wars on my own? Why didn't you tell me to be like others and cheat? I am surrounded by illiterates who label themselves as nothing but that. Where do you think their innocence has gone? I wish you never pampered me... I am too of a sensitive soul and expect to be pampered by everyone else now.

Though, today, I extremely miss you. When will you be home again? Will we ever be able to spend more a week together? I remember now how much close we were and I always hated you when we fought. Now I miss you extremely and would not fight anymore. You don't text me. Or I don't text back. I don't remember but we hardly talk now. Or maybe we do talk yet it doesn't seem like that much at all. I want to earn and earn so I can get you stuff that makes you happy. I am sorry for being such a bad omoto... I would rather put effort for you then the horrible people all around.

When you said; go to LGS defence. Oh... I wish I had agreed. Although it was my decision for Paragon, I was so stupid to say that I won't be bother by the environment at all. Not that defence's environment is anything that good but the way I have been scarred by paragon, I can never forget. It's like it has drained me... not wanting to do anything. People do not know the meaning of perfection. Last minute work and no planning; it's all bad and nothing good.

Then there is this woman who I do not want to even name. Why I mention her here is only because this blog is full of sad things anyway, if she is not mentioned here... I do not want her in my head or anywhere else. I look at her. She is a teacher. Apparently that's what everyone says about her. She HAS to be more then 30. Late 30s? But she acts like an immature emotional sixteen year old wreck. She is the perfect example on how you age but don't grow. The perfect example of a woman in Pakistan; "I will take what I want and how I feel like it without caring how I scar other people" because thank you Allah for not giving me a conscious. "I can do whatever I want now,"

So this woman kills people emotionally. She calls herself a teacher btw. It's a horrible thing to say to someone. But then again, in this world where everyone call get away, why can't she?

My mom says "Don't worry. Bad things will happen to her too. Just let go," And i believe her. Stabbed by people, i only have my family. God. They love me too much. And God. I love them too much. I am just scared; what will happen to me when they are gone?

Am i sounding weak, nii-san? But you being older should remember, was I ever strong enough since birth? I was always like this. I am sorry. Why cannot I not be like this? I think years from now on I will find myself in a corner, writing away. With no one to love me because I am too ugy AND sensitive and with family gone and nii-san succeeding (MASHALLAH! MAY YOU ALWAYS!) I will probably live in a corner.

I talk weird.

I miss you.

A ton.

GOD. When the hell are you coming home? Damn you medical. Damn you Aga Khan. Damn you everything that's hurting me. Damn you fat cow of a teacher that know nothing. Damn you Paragon... you suck. And Damn you guy-I-like... who spelled asshole as ass-whole. You just made me flip my table over. Argh.

DAYUM THE WORLD.

You are not worth it either.

If you search my name and add blog at the end... this blog comes up. Which is like an open diary of myself. I know I mention this in every post but I can't help it. I am a paranoid person with a noisy head... my assumptions sometimes become reality in my eyes. Yet I really can't help it. Thus what I write is not really for anyone but just myself. If anyone tends to read it and make fun of it or judge me... there is a reason why we don't talk or I am not talking to you about this matter. Meaning the majority of the people around me are immature creeps playing with humans and laughing at other people's expense. They are not worth it. Definitely not my time.

Saying that, I should continue with my rant. Right now I should be tensed. Or more than I already am. In a few hours I am supposed to participate in Grammathon. It's a big event with a number of competitions. I have never made a short film before. I am a little scared that I won't be able to win. I really want to win. I think I might have to go another hurdle with myself if I don't end up winning. My mid-term grades weren't that amazing either. Physics and Math was well... I had Ds in them. :( The others though (World History, AICT and Media Studies) weren't that bad; B, B and A. Again with the sciences and math. Again with them. It has made me realize that I am not dumb. At all. I used to think that I am actually a blonde but no... I am not. I just don't study stuff I don't like. It silly of people to assume and label me because for God's sakes... World History and Media is hard. and I have bagged good grades in them. A generally stupid person cannot do that. I am not stupid. I am an intellect running away from opening the books subjected to Math and Physics... and even THEN i haven't failed. Dude. Like... Seriously. I am so awesome I am bathing in my own glory.

*moment of epic silence*

*breathes out slowly*

Oh yeaahh...

On other news, I have grammathon tomorrow. I am participating in two media events. and a writing one. Writing one is something I love to do and I am not aiming to win it. The former though I want to win. Get those trophies. Prove to the world on my amazingness. Yet again. But I have never made a short film before. I want to. And I shall. I am afraid again that I won't be able to cook something that I really WANT to but then again where will I get the serene and beautiful settings that I dream of? The production. The Actors. The mid-air turn and the silent laugh. The crash of beautiful things. Poetic. Literature.

Silly. My writing and literature has dragged me to media too. When I am with such stuff or reading or writing or listening to good music... I am myself more than ever. The silent smile that comes over my face and the humming birds that flutter inside... it's me. I am an emotional and sentimental person and I like devotion to things I like and love to do. People have betrayed me and I have moved on. Expectations crash. I know it's life and it's cruel but everyone is trying to survive on their own pace. I am surviving like this.

Thus the point is I have no prior preparation for tomorrow. I should have but then again even in LUMS carma I wasn't fully prepared. Actually not at all and I cooked it all in a matter of... hours. I need to make the intro of live reporting. There ARE five days... I will definitely do everything. I CAN do everything and win. It doesn't look impossible. Yeah. I have been doing since grade 8. I like doing media and writing. Plus I am the director and everything. It's all worth it if we seriously put our hardwork into an art. At the end, the panel of judges will be judging them. Art is not like Physics. Or Math. Or Biology. Or Chemistry. Art can never be wrong. It is not factual list of mathematical answers or tough names to be memorized; it is something you create. Thus your creation is a part of you. It can be wrong. It CAN be bad. Or good. But it can never be wrong. When a group of people come together and are asked to judge a piece of art that you have poured your hardwork in, there will be times when you don't win. It is because there are judges. They are humans. Humans tend to have opinions and egos. When judging art, they can be disillusioned because of their own experiences. They might not like the song used in. Or have a personal grudge against a person quoted in the video. Maybe they are racists and stupid and don't like the touching painting you created. Maybe they are all men and you know where they think from... Maybe one of them is a hard core feminist which has enabled her to be VERY narrow minded about other things thus resulting in frowning upon the girl being saved by a man.

The list goes on of examples. The point being... they are people also. If you don't win in a competition that includes your creativity and your imagination, that doesn't mean you suck. At all. It doesn't mean anything. It's actually sad for THEM that they weren't able to understand the profound meaning (if any as this post is for intellects. Not some... well... you know. :l) behind it. I am more of technical person because I like things pretty. Let it be writing styles or lyrics of a good song. Likewise if something sentimental is shot beautifully, I would go for it. If it's good quality and the slow motion... and you know... something that touches your heart... why not? I love that. Normal people should love that too. But well majority of the people are again amazingly stupid. I like to film. But I like to film stuff beautifully. And win because of my own unique style. When I say I want to win... I mean I want to put everything I have into my 'field of art' and win. So that if I don't... you know whose fault it is. Definitely the media illiterate judges who are all... well actors and don't know "Sony Vegas" is.

I know. Painfully sad world I live. *heavy sighs*

I have this competition in a few hours. You can. I shall be napping in.. 20 or so minutes. Because right now... I am ranting. And again, I have elevated myself and given myself strength through writing. So I don't want to touch the sentimental things that is now hidden. I have mentioned before in the previous posts... I like a guy. But I have decided; I am going to move on from him. Or the image I have created of him. I don't like his company or the fact that my feelings are material that they laugh on. I don't like it one bit. I have realized that people are very immature. And I am in an institution that doesn't please me anymore only because of the people here. Animals. Laughing at other peoples' expenses.

And he is one them. He knows. And he laughs at me with his friend. A practical joke I have become to them. That is not how people should react. If you laugh at someone and someone's feelings, then you don't even deserve to be loved or liked. Or anything human. You hang out with guys with no class just because they crack dirty jokes and you laugh in those meaningless minutes... woohoo... is that really who you are? You do realize why you always have the most fun doing the wrong things. There is a reason to that. An attraction already built into it. But it is I believe morally wrong.

You know what?

Everyone of them needs to read some shoujo manga. Seriously. If you know about someone's feelings without them actually saying to you (my fault but I can't HELP it. This is just how I am! I AM NOT CHANGING!) then be considerate. Or DECENT.

YES. That word. Decent. Decency! Ah. I love it how it slips off my tongue! DECENCY! IT'S NO WHERE!

Well... I have decided. Not worth it so I am going to move on with this whatever-you-call-it. You know it's time to do so when you have become a practical joke to someone. And I don't expect him to stand up for me because I like HIM. Not the other way around. And he is not standing up for me as his friends laugh at me so he is not worth as a person. Because everyone is normal. Awful normals. SO YES> NOT WORTH IT! MUST. MOVE. ON.

YOSH!

Btw. Florence and the Machine is <3 :D

Between two lungs

Between two lungs it was released
The breath it was held within me
You looked this way
Ink splash.
Breathless again.

My feet sprang wings

Falling above

The breath you took away

I am fighting for it

to get it back

You stood smiling

Holding my breath

Making the flowers come to life

My eyes daze

And I fly down

Trapped

There is something else

between my lungs

My breath

is still in your hands

===

Something inspired by Between Two Lungs by Florence and The Machine.

I love that song

and I wrote it in a few minutes! xD It turned out pretty cool! :D

The middle?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV-HPOHu8mY&feature=related

My brother sent me this song that we used to listen to when I was... third grade? The time we were in Islamabad. xD At that time I didnt get any of it. I mean... come on! Just liked the tune. but now that I concentrated on the lyrics, it... kinda made me smile. I mean... such a nice song. Some of it goes:

Hey

Don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head

"you feel left out"

or "looked down on"

Just try your best

Try everything you can

And don't worry about what they tell themselves

When you're away

It's just take some time

Little Girl

You're in the middle of the ride

Everything

Everything will be just fine

Everything

Everything will be just alright, alright

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

Sighs. So true. So true. xD I mean... Really. It's hits a spot. OK. one more time and I am off to bed!

I am breathing. Lucky no?

Hello world again. And no... I am not here to vent about my distressed self or the society again. But well.. I can't totally justify that statement either; after all this blog is about my thoughts.

First, re-reading my last post, I apologize to well... myself and some other wandering souls here and there who came across it; that was an embarrassment. I guess it was self doubt about my self and I know that's common. Hey. I am 17 years old girl surviving in today's world and trying to succeed rightfully; you think I won't have self doubt not even once? Actually I do... a lot. Now speaking honestly again, I don't whine to people about it. There are a number of reasons for that. Some listed below:

1. They don't know you. Period. Your best friend. Your boyfriend. Your ...any-one-from-day-one-of-your-birth. They don't know you. You think they do. And when you tell them your self doubt issues, they listen and give advice. And because you think they know you best, you follow that golden advice without any thought that it could lead to something entirely else that you wanted. Hey... I am not saying your close relatives/friends don't care about you or are not honest with you... no no... they are trying their best to help you out in your self-doubt issues. But as I said... they don't know you. No one knows you better than yourself and what you want. They don't know the lingering thoughts at night when you are trying to sleep. They don't know you behind that bright smile you wear, you are having a bad day. They don't know that what you had for dinner last night because not every dinner is a significant one (and asking someone every day what they had to eat is well... not healthy).

2. Self-doubt issues are something incurable. If you have confident issues about yourself, and you get over them... I am sure you will have them again(might be less frequent though). I think that those are just something... genetic. A part of your personality that you can control but it won't go away. Thus even if you are a socially active person dedicated to school life and family (and a set of VERY important morals), you are tend to have a few self-doubt issues when you come home and sit in the confines of your room.

"How come she has better grades when she parties so much?"

"Maybe if I was a barbie doll like her, he would have liked me instead..."

"Maybe I really am someone in a crowd... just struggling to something but being shunned..."

You get my point right? Self-doubt happens. And it happens again and again... less frequent if you try to work on it (by getting high on sugar before any big thing and then laughing your ass off while tears of joy/fear running down your face). The point is... that if you go keep on going to someone for help about your self-doubt issues, especially if it's someone you know since day-one of your life that you can't live without... they would get tired of it! Ok... one time. Two times. Three times. That's it. After that when you are starting to notice that the zeal in their advice and prep talk has become less and you have lingering thoughts at night if they actually care about you or not... the reason is probably because they are humans. Your recitation of how sucky you are and not going anywhere will... well... make them wish they were somewhere else in the world than with you. For they know they have an obligation to you to comfort you. And make you feel better. Yet when the zeal is less and so is their spirit... they are forcing themselves. And if they sigh... time to pack your bags!

Look... I am not demoralizing you or making you have well... more doubts about your closed ones. But, talking from prior experience, I feel like killing people who keep asking me "What should I do? What should I do?" after I tell them what to do. Follow it or not. But stop asking me again and again. What do you want me to say more? I love you and all and care about you and I am REALLY happy that you trust me... but God... Stop it ok? I told you what to do... WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME!!?!?!?!

Get my point? No? Ack. You... illiterate.

3. IT'S NATURAL! Sometimes you just need to cry it out and scream in your own space rather than cry on people. Because unless you don't do something about you YOURSELF, those issues are going to remain and make you miserable. So just cry out. Scream into your pillow. Run into a wall. Maybe if you are rich, break something. Because after all that... you have renewed energy to live your life strongly for the next breakdown! (Like how it happened last time when I wrote that post. I can't believe I went so far by texting my brother maybe I needed therapy. Or well... blogging about it. But hey! This post is justification to self-doubt and depression. And well... I can say whatever I want here. I hate you all anyway.)

Thus my reasons why I don't rely on people... esp. on those problems regarding self-doubt. Not everyone is a bubble telling you, you can DO IT. You have to believe it yourself too. and just stroll down the halfway, thinking that without your awesomeness, the world won't survive... which in my case is very true. I mean... How can the world live without me? The confusion... sighs... it lingers on and on into those sleep deprived nights.

On a happier (LE GASP) note... I am back to normal. I went out with friends to joyland and mc donalds today after crying about how my life wasn't going anywhere yesterday in front of my mom who labelled me as ... well... human (she is a robot... I am sorry to say). So I am lighter. The problems are still there but yeah. I am lighter. I have to be awesome or how will this world exist without me? Yeah... the pressure. :P

Well time to... sleep. Oh wait... let me open my crush's facebook profile (I haven't added him =.=) to see if he has changed his dp from his current one to something well... recent (knowing that his old one is/was of his childhood adorable-ness. But still... Seeing his baby pictures is too soon). OK! here goes nothing!

...

...

Well... at least I can justify he hasn't magically transformed into his good-looking handsome self of today. He was cute as a baby too. It's ok. I shall repress my longing to see him. It's winter break... it would be over soon... hahaha... then HELLO... one class we share and sit in the same row so i have to purposely drop things to move forward in my chair and bend down and stare at his perfect self. His serious expression as he works. He is very smart!

Yeah.

...

*clears throat*

...

ThatidiotknowsthatIlikehimandhedoesn'tgiveacrapaboutit.

TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS, I SHALL TALK MORE ... ABOUT IT... LATER!

I won't stop even if no one reads me...

There is something about blogspot.com that makes it easier for me to talk about my stuff. Though I get saddened that I do not get any comments or feedback about it. Thus it makes me think I am just talking to myself and no one is reading what I am writing.

But it's better. Cause there is hope. Maybe one day someone stumbles over here and reads what I write. Can relate to me a little? Say a nice word. I know how other people get comments and reviews: by advertising among their friends. I have a huge social circle but the truth is, I write what bites them. My last post created mayhem when a few read it. Yes it was a vent. My feelings. I was very angry and hurt at that time. Unlike others, I don't go and just shed everything I am sad and hurt about to other people. The reason? I am not used to it. I am not comfortable in relying on people and it is just such a foreign concept to me. I am scarred because I have met many horrible people in my short life time and experienced a lot of unethical liars. It is so normal. Who hasn't come across those roaches eh? Yet I am sad to admit today that I am too sensitive and not like others. I think too much, feel too much and many times I can't breathe. It's hard for me to breathe.

I live a good life I mean... I have a set of amazing parents. They love me. They are busy and have their own problems and we have been suffering financially for a well... a long time... but yeah they still love. I know that very well. I have big brother. He sometimes texts and facebooks me when he has some free time from his medical school. I love him a lot. Of course. He is away now. But I hope he loves me back too.

I have expectations. Too many of them. Sadly they all crash... but i know if accidentally if one of them ... the most insignifficant one of them... comes true... I get so incredibly happy. Overjoyed.

It's not like my life sucks. It doesn't. I have good things. I have a talent. I am partly successful in school and social life. My grades are above average. I am good company. I am strong (?).

There is just... this emptiness inside of me. A hole in my heart. I can't be happy. Stay happy. I think too much. Assume too much. Expect too much. I need out. It's like I am confined in a four wall space and I just can't get out. No... more exactly I feel like I am underwater and I can't breathe.

What's wrong with me?